Have you ever ran across certain instances in your life where you have a preordained, ideological answer to a question in your head or that you need to answer out loud but what you feel and think conflicts what you truly want? Whether it be in relationship, being politically correct, or any other regard the conflict of what it is and what it SHOULD be is a daily battle for me.
At times when people ask: 'Do you want to be in a relationship?' I believe that answer should be 'no' because at this point in my life I need to focus on me and my forthcoming career. But what I want is to experience love and all it has to offer. Someone who genuinely cares for me the same way I care for them. To have someone who looks at me in my worst hour and says 'baby your perfect' and truly mean it. I want love with no pretense, no parameters, no stipulations with a slight hint of BS (because its bound to happen).
I've condition myself to think that I don't need someone, that people get in the way and that love isn't for me. All bullshit. All that mushy shit I see in movies of unrequited love that Disney films are made of...not for me. I dream of something a little more realistic, a little more authentic, a little more sacred between us two.
I hear people say all the time say how people have done them wrong and how 'love ain't shit' but for every low there was a high. A moment when that 'love' made you feel like you were the only two in the world. Where the slightest thought of that person made a smile instantaneous smile come across your face. Where you couldn't go to sleep without that special person because your night isn't complete without them. I envy that...I envy those people who even got to the point to say 'love ain't shit' because they got to experience that high and that low of love and I cant even say I got to that point.
Sure I've had deep like for people, but most of the time it was one sided and just wasn't right. I feel like im starting to ramble, so I'm going to wrap it up...I had an intention to showcase how what I want in life conflicts with what I've been taught to believe but in true Kyle fashion I went a completely different direction, it must have been these damn love songs I'm listening to (lol).
In summary, I could throw out an arbitrary phrase to make myself or my readers (whomever you may be, thank you for reading) feel better and give an optimistic outlook for the future, but honestly I don't know what to say. I'm kind of worried about that but I kind of like that there's a beauty in not knowing sometimes, that's one thing that I know my wants and my belief's can agree on ;)
"...keep calm and carry on"
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