Monday, April 15, 2013

Relax and Release

Its funny...

Something in my gut was telling me to listen to Fantasia "Truth Is" the other day. I had no idea why.
Then it dawned on me that I had a feeling something monumental was about to happen. One of those core shakers that you know after the experience happens your world is going to change.

...And then you walked up to me. Almost a year to the day when I met the person I believed to be my everything was in front of me for the first time in a long time and my heart dropped to my stomach.

You looked the same. Amazing.
You smelled the same. Incredible.
But something was different...

We embraced for a moment, exchanged casualties, wished each other well...and that was that.

It's amazing the same person that shook me to the core in our previous encounter; shook me to the core once more without even knowing it. The same person that showed me what it's like to have the closest feeling to love in any way showed me one more thing; how to be strong for myself.

Things ended amicably but something in my soul wasn't settled with how it ended. I can't count how many times I sat up at night sick going over every detail; wondering what went wrong and how everything fell to shit. I felt like I literally went through every emotion that a person could have dealing with this situation and even questioned my own esteem in the process wondering if I was even worth being with.

Yeah it was that deep...for me.

I had a whole list of things that I want to this person the next time I saw them. Everything from a range of "Fuck you!! How could you treat me like this?" to "I miss you so much, can you please just touch me one more time?" (not even in a sexual way but just the caress of your hand brought me such euphoria that I longed for like I needed air). The plan was perfectly executed in my head with the proper send off to make me feel a whole lot better about never seeing you again.

And then they walked up. Everything went out the window. We talked and we went about our seperate ways.

Even in that short exchange I got more of a satisfaction than anything I could have concocted in my diabolical curse out. The reason? Because I knew through everything that I went through emotionally with this person they helped me become stronger by breaking me down so I can build myself back up again. Every moment of that heartache made my heart stronger. Every moment of questioning what im willing to put up with in terms of a relationship made me set a higher standard for myself and not put up with just anything. Every moment of self doubt became a moment of clarity in that instance. And for that I thank you.

You helped me become a better me just being you. For that I can never be upset with you and only wish you well. Now I can finally get back to finding my happy.

Relax and release...

Thursday, October 18, 2012


This one goes out to all the people who need a little push. (myself included)


It's as simple as that. Get. Over.It.

Right now your heart is in one place and your head is another. Right now you're questioning whether or not they even care. Think about that for a second...

You're questioning whether or not the person you think so highly of even cares. That's some shit aint it? How you can think so highly of someone that makes you light up everytime someone mentions their name, can't even muster up enough energy to show you that they care? After all the feelings you've shared and after all the moments you've had that this person will never ever feel the same way you do? Damn, that sucks....

But as bad as you may feel about your feelings of admiration not being reciprocated and as in your feelings as you may be you have to get up and get over it. You can't keep holding on to someone or something that doesnt want to be held. You have to let go for your own sake and own peace of mind.

If you have to be tough on yourself to do so, then by all means do it. You have to keep it real with yourself to prevent yourself from looking stupid. Keep in mind there comes a point in all this when it stops looking like you care and you start looking pressed; which is never a good look.

You have to keep in mind that at some point you have to forget how you feel and remember what you deserve. One hundered percent of the time its not hanging onto that persons every whim hoping that they'll come around to feeling the same way you do. Because by the time they realize what they have it will turn into what they had. Remember you deserve better but never forget to love hard always especially for yourself.

That is all.

Until next time folks...

Thursday, July 12, 2012

The Shit I Wanted To Say

12:10 am...

That's the moment during that early May morning when I came back to life.

That's the moment after the perfect date that you held my hand for the first time and everybody else just seemed to fade away. That's the moment I realized that you were someone real. That's the moment I realized I could feel again.

 Ever since that day I haven't been the same in the way I look at people and I love every moment of it. Since that day I met you I haven't been able to get you completely out of my head and I think a part of me doesn't want to. There have been many who have come before, during and after you that try to take my heart but none have ever made me feel as open and as free as you have in that moment.

The worst feeling for me lately is that you may never truly understand how much u affected me that night by simply just being you. The light in your eyes and the life in your smile meant so much in that moment that you indirectly made me believe in people, hell in ANYTHING again. But its bittersweet because of the fact of that you might not even read this which is the worst part of it all.

 I fight internally with my pride everyday to not do too much and give you your space that you asked for but at the same time I know how I feel. Whenever your name pops up on my phone my heart jumps from excitement but at the same time reluctance because I'm scared of the uncertainty. Uncertainty of whether or not I should let it completely go or if I should stay. Uncertain if you even really cared  like you said you did. Something deep down in me tells me I already know the answer but I often pray for a resolution.

To put it simply I miss you. I miss you maybe a little too much but I miss you all the same. It sucks that there is nothing I can do for you to make you feel better or ease your heart but just know I'm here. Quite possibly foolish in doing so but here all the same. All of the words I ever said to you I truly meant from the bottom my heart. In any scenario that may happen I just want to thank you...for everything.'s all because you touched my hand in that moment.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Moving Out Of Your Own Way

Ya know, sometimes you just gotta tell yourself to shut the fuck up.

In all seriousness, I have a daily conversation with myself to shut up and not feel like I know everything because I really don't. If I knew everything then I'd be exactly where I want to be in life but sadly I'm not. And although that's an on going process and i'll get there eventually, I have to remember to humble myself and remember there is always something more to learn. Also that its important to remember there is always something bigger and greater than the purpose that you can imagine because something grander is waiting in the wings. The problem that I, much like many others have, is that we don't know how to get out of our own way and see the bigger picture of what we can really accomplish in life if we let things be.

In my case particularly, I often times feel the need to address all issues that come my way by myself and drown out all criticism; good, bad, or indifferent. Which only hurts me because all that I am doing in the process is blocking my own blessing. It just feels like sometimes in moments of adversity and times of change I can only see the goal and not necessarily appreciate the process of getting to where I need to be. Oft blinding myself from anything that doesn't coincide or agree with what I feel to be true. Boy is that stagnating...

It's important to have focus and direction in what you want to do in life but to completely base all of your experiences off of your own biases is detrimental to your personal growth and development. So with that being said it is oh so necessary to side step out of your own way sometimes and receive the messages that are coming your way. Being receptive to constructive criticism will allow you to broaden your spectrum of understanding not to mention your perspective of your purpose. Sometimes certain message are delivered to us at certain times when we are ready to receive them because they are like check points to see if our purpose we are trying to attain is the right one for us.

What I've come to realize is that when these messages are thrown your way; embrace them with cautious optimism and self reflection. Any questions of your direction that cause you question your purpose aren't always negativity but may be tests to see if your faith in said direction is the right one for you. Remember it takes a lifetime to build a dream and a moment to destroy it; just give your self the chance to hear every message loud and clear.

Until next time folks "...Keep Calm and Carry On"

Being In Your Feelings

For me, the scariest place to be is in my head.

There are many things going on in there that most of the time I choose to avoid because it would make shit real. Having idle time to dwell on your thoughts and emotions is often a scary place to be because most of the time we inherently know if we address the issue it won't be the result that we want to see happen. I know on numerous occasions I have avoided certain topics and feelings because I know what I want and what is real isn't always going to add up. So I push my REAL feelings to the side and go on believing what I want to believe because that eases my mind.

As I've grown older, the comfort of these delusions have started to wear on me and don't appease me as easily as it once did. It took a moment of damn near losing my sanity to make me realize that most of the time  to get true comfort you must address the uncomfortable. And to do that I had to journey through that scary place in my mind and be all up in my feelings. I think we are all conditioned to believe that having feelings and emotions makes us weak to the outside world, but I feel that being devoid of emotions makes you inherently weaker. I was reminded recently by one of my dearest friends that having emotions makes us humans and to feel all of the joys and pains that come with being human make us beautiful. There's a beauty in human vulnerability because it makes us feel helpless but at the same time allows us to be free and our most open emotionally.

By denying yourself of emotion and guarding what you truly feel for feel of being hurt you are inadvertently saying to the world I'm not brave enough to own my feelings without any reservation. Having the courage to address your emotions and what's really bothering you is a quality that has become a valuable asset in my journey of life because it has allowed me to be free and be human. There are times when your feelings will get the best of you and it will bring you down into a place where you don't want to be, and there's nothing wrong with that. FEEL WHAT YOU FEEL!! The important part in that process is that "It's ok to be in 'a place' but don't stay in that place". You have to have a greater understanding that you will be alright with time but you have to allow yourself time to truly get to the root of what your issue is and when you figure that out you will fully bloom.

Until next time folks, "...Keep Calm and Carry On"

Thursday, May 31, 2012

Just Another Nigga

I've accomplished many throughout the years; fought and gave my blood sweat and tears. I've done things that most people would never dream of but to you... I'm just another nigga. I worked my ass off at this company and made the most of it all!! Even got my face on the wall!! Without me, all this shit would crumble and fall! But to you... I'm just another nigga. I can serve you a smile and wish you a nice day. Even talk all your troubles away! But the moment I make one mistake... He's just another nigga. I walk down the street with my head held high. You see this suit; it goes perfectly with my tie!! All of this fly shit u sure can't deny but the moment a hoodie is involved I'm... Just another nigga. You see the way you perceive me will never be conducive to the way I see myself. Society can make you believe that you are inherently inferior to the "Caucasian superiors" based off an antiquated notion that one can only get as high as they allow you to be. Based soley off of my ancestors past I know that I was meant to receive greatness so y'all can save all the interioity bullshit. So keep thinking the worst of me whomever you may be, because the moment you think that you already proved you're below me. I strive therefore I am great, something your judgment can never take. Until next time folks "...Keep Calm and Carry On"

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Not So Instant Gratification

When did romance die because I clearly missed the memo?

It seems that the moment the world got turned over to the A.D.D. Generation the attention paid to courtship became as short as the time you spent at your last speed dating session. It seems like now a days people live in such a fast paced society that even something that should be as special as taking someone on a date seems like a microwaved process that finishes just as quickly as it starts. But is it really that romance and traditional courtship has died or have we as people become so jaded to the notion of dating that we just skip to all the good parts?

We live in a time where the divorce rate is at an all time high and break up's on reality television are a normal showcase of what 'love' is, so it's not hard to see why people have become turned off by the mere mention of love and dating. But personally I long for the days when love and marriages were expected to prosper and people approach you with the idea of being monogamous as their only intention. A throwback to the time of when people actually went out with each other to have a good time and enjoy each other's company, not just for what you would 'get out of the deal' later.

But with this way of life comes a sense of self worth and respect. To demand these things we have to demand respect, and I definitely include myself in this equation when I speak on this. If we demand a five star experience we have to carry ourselves like five star worthy dates. Granted I know this doesn't apply to every date we come across because its not always that deep, but in general cases this is a must.

In the mean time, here's to the hope that the mindset of a microwaved relationship most people have now a days turns into a full course 5 star courtship and romance returns from the grave =\

Until next time folks '...Keep Calm and Carry On'