Something in my gut was telling me to listen to Fantasia "Truth Is" the other day. I had no idea why.
Then it dawned on me that I had a feeling something monumental was about to happen. One of those core shakers that you know after the experience happens your world is going to change.
...And then you walked up to me. Almost a year to the day when I met the person I believed to be my everything was in front of me for the first time in a long time and my heart dropped to my stomach.
You looked the same. Amazing.
You smelled the same. Incredible.
But something was different...
We embraced for a moment, exchanged casualties, wished each other well...and that was that.
It's amazing the same person that shook me to the core in our previous encounter; shook me to the core once more without even knowing it. The same person that showed me what it's like to have the closest feeling to love in any way showed me one more thing; how to be strong for myself.
Things ended amicably but something in my soul wasn't settled with how it ended. I can't count how many times I sat up at night sick going over every detail; wondering what went wrong and how everything fell to shit. I felt like I literally went through every emotion that a person could have dealing with this situation and even questioned my own esteem in the process wondering if I was even worth being with.
Yeah it was that deep...for me.
I had a whole list of things that I want to this person the next time I saw them. Everything from a range of "Fuck you!! How could you treat me like this?" to "I miss you so much, can you please just touch me one more time?" (not even in a sexual way but just the caress of your hand brought me such euphoria that I longed for like I needed air). The plan was perfectly executed in my head with the proper send off to make me feel a whole lot better about never seeing you again.
And then they walked up. Everything went out the window. We talked and we went about our seperate ways.
Even in that short exchange I got more of a satisfaction than anything I could have concocted in my diabolical curse out. The reason? Because I knew through everything that I went through emotionally with this person they helped me become stronger by breaking me down so I can build myself back up again. Every moment of that heartache made my heart stronger. Every moment of questioning what im willing to put up with in terms of a relationship made me set a higher standard for myself and not put up with just anything. Every moment of self doubt became a moment of clarity in that instance. And for that I thank you.
You helped me become a better me indirectly...by just being you. For that I can never be upset with you and only wish you well. Now I can finally get back to finding my happy.
Relax and release...