The Shit I Wanted To Say

12:10 am...

That's the moment during that early May morning when I came back to life.

That's the moment after the perfect date that you held my hand for the first time and everybody else just seemed to fade away. That's the moment I realized that you were someone real. That's the moment I realized I could feel again.

 Ever since that day I haven't been the same in the way I look at people and I love every moment of it. Since that day I met you I haven't been able to get you completely out of my head and I think a part of me doesn't want to. There have been many who have come before, during and after you that try to take my heart but none have ever made me feel as open and as free as you have in that moment.

The worst feeling for me lately is that you may never truly understand how much u affected me that night by simply just being you. The light in your eyes and the life in your smile meant so much in that moment that you indirectly made me believe in people, hell in ANYTHING again. But its bittersweet because of the fact of that you might not even read this which is the worst part of it all.

 I fight internally with my pride everyday to not do too much and give you your space that you asked for but at the same time I know how I feel. Whenever your name pops up on my phone my heart jumps from excitement but at the same time reluctance because I'm scared of the uncertainty. Uncertainty of whether or not I should let it completely go or if I should stay. Uncertain if you even really cared  like you said you did. Something deep down in me tells me I already know the answer but I often pray for a resolution.

To put it simply I miss you. I miss you maybe a little too much but I miss you all the same. It sucks that there is nothing I can do for you to make you feel better or ease your heart but just know I'm here. Quite possibly foolish in doing so but here all the same. All of the words I ever said to you I truly meant from the bottom my heart. In any scenario that may happen I just want to thank you...for everything.

...it's all because you touched my hand in that moment.