12:10 am...
That's the moment during that early May morning when I came back to life.
That's the moment after the perfect date that you held my hand for the first time and everybody else just seemed to fade away. That's the moment I realized that you were someone real. That's the moment I realized I could feel again.
Ever since that day I haven't been the same in the way I look at people and I love every moment of it. Since that day I met you I haven't been able to get you completely out of my head and I think a part of me doesn't want to.
There have been many who have come before, during and after you that try to take my heart but none have ever made me feel as open and as free as you have in that moment.
The worst feeling for me lately is that you may never truly understand how much u affected me that night by simply just being you. The light in your eyes and the life in your smile meant so much in that moment that you indirectly made me believe in people, hell in ANYTHING again. But its bittersweet because of the fact of that you might not even read this which is the worst part of it all.
I fight internally with my pride everyday to not do too much and give you your space that you asked for but at the same time I know how I feel. Whenever your name pops up on my phone my heart jumps from excitement but at the same time reluctance because I'm scared of the uncertainty. Uncertainty of whether or not I should let it completely go or if I should stay. Uncertain if you even really cared like you said you did. Something deep down in me tells me I already know the answer but I often pray for a resolution.
To put it simply I miss you. I miss you maybe a little too much but I miss you all the same. It sucks that there is nothing I can do for you to make you feel better or ease your heart but just know I'm here. Quite possibly foolish in doing so but here all the same. All of the words I ever said to you I truly meant from the bottom my heart. In any scenario that may happen I just want to thank you...for everything.
...it's all because you touched my hand in that moment.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Moving Out Of Your Own Way
Ya know, sometimes you just gotta tell yourself to shut the fuck up.
In all seriousness, I have a daily conversation with myself to shut up and not feel like I know everything because I really don't. If I knew everything then I'd be exactly where I want to be in life but sadly I'm not. And although that's an on going process and i'll get there eventually, I have to remember to humble myself and remember there is always something more to learn. Also that its important to remember there is always something bigger and greater than the purpose that you can imagine because something grander is waiting in the wings. The problem that I, much like many others have, is that we don't know how to get out of our own way and see the bigger picture of what we can really accomplish in life if we let things be.
In my case particularly, I often times feel the need to address all issues that come my way by myself and drown out all criticism; good, bad, or indifferent. Which only hurts me because all that I am doing in the process is blocking my own blessing. It just feels like sometimes in moments of adversity and times of change I can only see the goal and not necessarily appreciate the process of getting to where I need to be. Oft blinding myself from anything that doesn't coincide or agree with what I feel to be true. Boy is that stagnating...
It's important to have focus and direction in what you want to do in life but to completely base all of your experiences off of your own biases is detrimental to your personal growth and development. So with that being said it is oh so necessary to side step out of your own way sometimes and receive the messages that are coming your way. Being receptive to constructive criticism will allow you to broaden your spectrum of understanding not to mention your perspective of your purpose. Sometimes certain message are delivered to us at certain times when we are ready to receive them because they are like check points to see if our purpose we are trying to attain is the right one for us.
What I've come to realize is that when these messages are thrown your way; embrace them with cautious optimism and self reflection. Any questions of your direction that cause you question your purpose aren't always negativity but may be tests to see if your faith in said direction is the right one for you. Remember it takes a lifetime to build a dream and a moment to destroy it; just give your self the chance to hear every message loud and clear.
Until next time folks "...Keep Calm and Carry On"
In all seriousness, I have a daily conversation with myself to shut up and not feel like I know everything because I really don't. If I knew everything then I'd be exactly where I want to be in life but sadly I'm not. And although that's an on going process and i'll get there eventually, I have to remember to humble myself and remember there is always something more to learn. Also that its important to remember there is always something bigger and greater than the purpose that you can imagine because something grander is waiting in the wings. The problem that I, much like many others have, is that we don't know how to get out of our own way and see the bigger picture of what we can really accomplish in life if we let things be.
In my case particularly, I often times feel the need to address all issues that come my way by myself and drown out all criticism; good, bad, or indifferent. Which only hurts me because all that I am doing in the process is blocking my own blessing. It just feels like sometimes in moments of adversity and times of change I can only see the goal and not necessarily appreciate the process of getting to where I need to be. Oft blinding myself from anything that doesn't coincide or agree with what I feel to be true. Boy is that stagnating...
It's important to have focus and direction in what you want to do in life but to completely base all of your experiences off of your own biases is detrimental to your personal growth and development. So with that being said it is oh so necessary to side step out of your own way sometimes and receive the messages that are coming your way. Being receptive to constructive criticism will allow you to broaden your spectrum of understanding not to mention your perspective of your purpose. Sometimes certain message are delivered to us at certain times when we are ready to receive them because they are like check points to see if our purpose we are trying to attain is the right one for us.
What I've come to realize is that when these messages are thrown your way; embrace them with cautious optimism and self reflection. Any questions of your direction that cause you question your purpose aren't always negativity but may be tests to see if your faith in said direction is the right one for you. Remember it takes a lifetime to build a dream and a moment to destroy it; just give your self the chance to hear every message loud and clear.
Until next time folks "...Keep Calm and Carry On"
Being In Your Feelings
For me, the scariest place to be is in my head.
There are many things going on in there that most of the time I choose to avoid because it would make shit real. Having idle time to dwell on your thoughts and emotions is often a scary place to be because most of the time we inherently know if we address the issue it won't be the result that we want to see happen. I know on numerous occasions I have avoided certain topics and feelings because I know what I want and what is real isn't always going to add up. So I push my REAL feelings to the side and go on believing what I want to believe because that eases my mind.
As I've grown older, the comfort of these delusions have started to wear on me and don't appease me as easily as it once did. It took a moment of damn near losing my sanity to make me realize that most of the time to get true comfort you must address the uncomfortable. And to do that I had to journey through that scary place in my mind and be all up in my feelings. I think we are all conditioned to believe that having feelings and emotions makes us weak to the outside world, but I feel that being devoid of emotions makes you inherently weaker. I was reminded recently by one of my dearest friends that having emotions makes us humans and to feel all of the joys and pains that come with being human make us beautiful. There's a beauty in human vulnerability because it makes us feel helpless but at the same time allows us to be free and our most open emotionally.
By denying yourself of emotion and guarding what you truly feel for feel of being hurt you are inadvertently saying to the world I'm not brave enough to own my feelings without any reservation. Having the courage to address your emotions and what's really bothering you is a quality that has become a valuable asset in my journey of life because it has allowed me to be free and be human. There are times when your feelings will get the best of you and it will bring you down into a place where you don't want to be, and there's nothing wrong with that. FEEL WHAT YOU FEEL!! The important part in that process is that "It's ok to be in 'a place' but don't stay in that place". You have to have a greater understanding that you will be alright with time but you have to allow yourself time to truly get to the root of what your issue is and when you figure that out you will fully bloom.
Until next time folks, "...Keep Calm and Carry On"
There are many things going on in there that most of the time I choose to avoid because it would make shit real. Having idle time to dwell on your thoughts and emotions is often a scary place to be because most of the time we inherently know if we address the issue it won't be the result that we want to see happen. I know on numerous occasions I have avoided certain topics and feelings because I know what I want and what is real isn't always going to add up. So I push my REAL feelings to the side and go on believing what I want to believe because that eases my mind.
As I've grown older, the comfort of these delusions have started to wear on me and don't appease me as easily as it once did. It took a moment of damn near losing my sanity to make me realize that most of the time to get true comfort you must address the uncomfortable. And to do that I had to journey through that scary place in my mind and be all up in my feelings. I think we are all conditioned to believe that having feelings and emotions makes us weak to the outside world, but I feel that being devoid of emotions makes you inherently weaker. I was reminded recently by one of my dearest friends that having emotions makes us humans and to feel all of the joys and pains that come with being human make us beautiful. There's a beauty in human vulnerability because it makes us feel helpless but at the same time allows us to be free and our most open emotionally.
By denying yourself of emotion and guarding what you truly feel for feel of being hurt you are inadvertently saying to the world I'm not brave enough to own my feelings without any reservation. Having the courage to address your emotions and what's really bothering you is a quality that has become a valuable asset in my journey of life because it has allowed me to be free and be human. There are times when your feelings will get the best of you and it will bring you down into a place where you don't want to be, and there's nothing wrong with that. FEEL WHAT YOU FEEL!! The important part in that process is that "It's ok to be in 'a place' but don't stay in that place". You have to have a greater understanding that you will be alright with time but you have to allow yourself time to truly get to the root of what your issue is and when you figure that out you will fully bloom.
Until next time folks, "...Keep Calm and Carry On"
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