Feel The Same Way I Do?

'You know we been spending a lot of time together and I was just wondering if you...feel the same way I do?' -Destiny's Child 'Feel The Same Way I Do'

You know I once heard that when dealing with people in a relationship you can't trust what each other say for at least a month...or 2 (shout out to Lupe Fiasco). But what's supposed to happen if you say get to month 2 and you both have a lot of feelings for the person your dating but still have insecurities about the relationship. I know the main concern I have in the beginning of every potential relationship is how much is too much to reveal about how you feel. 'How much should I say about myself' and 'what exactly I'm looking for to not seem 'thirsty' or 'a little more into this than I need to be'; all of these questions seem to be the main cause of concern. You know that scary/unsure yet exciting time when you're getting to know someone and you want to look like the perfect 'candidate' for boyfriend/girlfriend material all while trying not to display too much of your 'crazy'. (sidebar: everybody has some crazy traits about them that may seem normal to you but looked at through a dates eyes, you look nuts...but I digress)

It's a nervous time figuring out if this person really likes me for me, if this person seems to be truly into me, or if this even going somewhere. Many questions asked, many games played, and lots of tests being conducted to see if you are who you say you are. I know that last statement for a fact because apparently everyone's been hurt and no one wants to go through that again...or at least that's the story everyone is going with.

It seems as though not many people are willing to put themselves 'out there' because we've all been scarred by some past love or some past relationship and it won't allow us to feel for anyone so quickly (sometimes even at all!!!) As humans we all desire love and want to feel appreciated by someone we care for but at the same time our natural response to something that may have hurt us in the past is to put up a defense mechanism, other wise known that handy dandy 'wall' that everyone seems to have built up.

But to truly acquire that love that we're all searching for it requires a great leap of faith. You gotta put yourself out there and hope for the best. If you really like that person your getting to know, tell them. If you wanna make the relationship work, put in some work. If you want that person to stay, show it. Yeah you might get hurt or have your pride stomped on but love is a bitch with 5 inch heels on. The worst a person can say is no, and in that case all that person is doing is making room for the right person to walk into your life.

Take a chance on love...

Besides, how can you truly know what it means to be in love with someone or have some character in the relationship category if you don't have a couple war wounds and stories to tell of love gone wrong? War wounds are sexy ;)

Until next time folks, '...Keep calm and carry on'

The 'Fuck Up My Day' Censor

Why does it seem like whenever I come into a good time or start to truly be happy with someone or something, that one person always shows up to fuck up your mood?

I swear, I think all of my exes, bosses, family members and anybody else along those lines have some sort of 'spidey senses' that go off the moment you become happy or start doing something good with your life. And you know when it happens? Right at the moment when you say 'Thank you (insert Deity here) that I got out of the situation I was just in because I feel so much better'. I always imagine there being a fire alarm kind of sound going off in their minds that just signals them to say 'how can I fuck this person's day up in the worst possible way today.'

sigh...

Despite the inconvenience and the temporary flash backs of what things used to be, this situation can also be looked at as positive. When that person or situation jumps back into your life you can use it as a gauge to see how much you've grown or how over that person you truly are. And there's nothing that gives me more satisfaction than to see the person that used that 'fuck up my day' censor's day fucked up. Sort of like a transference of energy, and I'm telling you it really works. So, here's to you 'fuck up my day' censor (raises glass) you intend to ruin my day and make me feel bad, but in the end you really just help me to be a better me in the end and see that the me I once was can't compare to the me that I'm going to be....which is great. =)

Until next time people '...Keep Calm and Carry On'

...Can't Choose Em

SIGH!!!
I didn't think that this would happen to me but here it goes....
FAMILY, how many of us trust them?
I know everybody has their family quarrels but this one takes the cake!!!
I'm not going to spill my family secrets because that's between us but I just have to vent.
All of my life, I've been raised to put family first and be there for them when shit gets rough, but has anybody ever considered what happens when shit gets rough for you and they're not there?
Exactly neither did I...until it happened.
When I need them the most, they're nowhere to be found.
When I need you to understand my situation, you're the first one to turn your back.
I show you my character all of my life and how much I accomplish, and you question my character at the first sign of trouble? PUHHHH!!!!!

I bet you if I were to make a come up, you would be the first one with your hand out and reminding me of how much you done for me. NEGRO PLEASE!!!!

But we're family right? You know sometimes blood ain't no thicker than water and family will be the first to turn on you before a stranger (thanks diamond 'player's club') but you can't choose who your related to...and at the end of the day they are all that I have. My family may not be perfect or always do the right thing but I love them. Love means getting over stuff. Some issues aren't that deep and some are, but what is deep is the relationship I have between the people that I am here for life with. Petty arguments and money issues will never replace the loving moments me and my kin share. So for that I will say 'Live and Let Die', love your loved ones with every fiber of your bones even though they can sometimes get under your skin. And besides you're stuck with 'em, so you might as well make the ride throughout life a somewhat pleasing one (lol)

Until next time people '...Keep Calm and Carry On'

Perception vs Reality

A common thread that I'm finding with most of my friends and acquaintances lately is that when it comes to dealing with people and relationships is the perception of what people have of them as opposed to who they truly are. I was speaking with a couple friends this weekend about their failed attempts at relationships and truly getting to know someone and this was the overwhelming common theme. It seems people love the idea of what that person might be as opposed to who they actually are. IMO this is the problem with America and the media but that's a whole different post...but I digress.

I'm not saying that these people may not have had a hand in contributing to these perceptions of 'reality' but it begs the question in my mind 'Do most people aim to love the IDEA of someone as opposed to the person's actual character when looking to be in a relationship?' Are we consumed with what we look like with a person or what this person can do for me, that we forget to look at what this person is actually all about?

I'm not even gonna front, when approaching some people in the past the first thought in my mind was 'we would look good together' or 'if I'm with this person what can I gain from this' but hey I'm human (kyle shrug) In my maturation process though I have come to terms with my shallow stand point on things and have come to accept more than just a 'cute look', but to delve deeper into that person's character and what their truly about. But as my aspect on what  a relationship should entail changes and I start to see things differently the concept of 'perception and reality' in terms of relationships becomes a little more clear. A lot of questions asked and some still not answered....

'How much do we put out that we would love for someone to love us as we are?'
'How much do we feed into the 'facade' that people have of us as opposed to breaking that stereotype?'
'Do people really know me/them as much as they say they do?'
'Do I really know myself as much I think I do?'
'Am I being as honest with myself and other people about what I truly want as opposed to what people want to hear?'
And the most important question of all 'Do I really love/know myself and know my self worth enough to know that I have a clear distinction between what people think and how I feel?'

A wise person once said 'How are you gonna have someone love you when you barely even love yourself?' Kind of generic but really poignant in answering the questions. I think people (myself included) search for answers and validation in other people before loving and validating themselves to the point where they feel the need to be a caricature of themselves as a kind of escapism. People fall for it and want it to be real so badly they turn a blind eye to what is all going on and miss very important signs. Good ol' smoke and mirrors gets people everytime.

As I go through my journey of the 'perfect relationship' (sidebar: HA!!) I encourage my friends, my readers and even MYSELF to go a little bit deeper, be honest with yourself, and be honest with the people you come to terms with what is presented and what is actually you and the other people's perception of you match your reality.

Until next time '...Keep Calm and Carry On'

It just needs to be said...

I just gotta let it out...
Its been building up for a while now and I feel like if I don't say it I'm going to explode!! I've been holding it in all of this time trying to be casual and coy, not wanting to offend anybody or 'come out of character' but here it is...
I'm bout to say it...
R u ready for it?
Here it goes....
"Fuckity fuck fuck fuck, I love to cuss"
Whew!!! There it goes and I feel a whole lot better because I said it just for fuck's sake!!
I spend so much portraying a calm and composed demeanor that the side of me that wants to swear like a pirate gets stifled and I forget to let it out!!!
The feeling I get after I say 'fuck' fulfills me more than biting into a peppermint patty.
Saying 'Shit cunt' sometimes gives me a feeling better than sex.
So here's to you 'Ass,shit,damn,fucks' out there, because of you I can go into the world sane and a little more mellow by shouting your praises. I encourage everyone who reads to shout a random obscenity today and see how much better you feel...but since its Sunday shout it in the name of the lordt. Amen

Until next time people ;)

"...keep calm and carry on"

What I Want vs. What I Believe (but turned into frou frou love banter)

Have you ever ran across certain instances in your life where you have a preordained, ideological answer to a question in your head or that you need to answer out loud but what you feel and think conflicts what you truly want? Whether it be in relationship, being politically correct, or any other regard the conflict of what it is and what it SHOULD be is a daily battle for me.

At times when people ask: 'Do you want to be in a relationship?' I believe that answer should be 'no' because at this point in my life I need to focus on me and my forthcoming career. But what I want is to experience love and all it has to offer. Someone who genuinely cares for me the same way I care for them. To have someone who looks at me in my worst hour and says 'baby your perfect' and truly mean it. I want love with no pretense, no parameters, no stipulations with a slight hint of BS (because its bound to happen).

I've condition myself to think that I don't need someone, that people get in the way and that love isn't for me. All bullshit. All that mushy shit I see in movies of unrequited love that Disney films are made of...not for me. I dream of something a little more realistic, a little more authentic, a little more sacred between us two.

I hear people say all the time say how people have done them wrong and how 'love ain't shit' but for every low there was a high. A moment when that 'love' made you feel like you were the only two in the world. Where the slightest thought of that person made a smile instantaneous smile come across your face. Where you couldn't go to sleep without that special person because your night isn't complete without them. I envy that...I envy those people who even got to the point to say 'love ain't shit' because they got to experience that high and that low of love and I cant even say I got to that point.

Sure I've had deep like for people, but most of the time it was one sided and just wasn't right. I feel like im starting to ramble, so I'm going to wrap it up...I had an intention to showcase how what I want in life conflicts with what I've been taught to believe but in true Kyle fashion I went a completely different direction, it must have been these damn love songs I'm listening to (lol).

In summary, I could throw out an arbitrary phrase to make myself or my readers (whomever you may be, thank you for reading) feel better and give an optimistic outlook for the future, but honestly I don't know what to say. I'm kind of worried about that but I kind of like that there's a beauty in not knowing sometimes, that's one thing that I know my wants and my belief's can agree on ;)

"...keep calm and carry on"

...So this is it?

I'm having a moment...
For those of you that know me, this could either be a good or bad thing.

Current Mood: Melancholy
Current Feeling: Stuck
Current Attitude: Optimistic

All of my life I have been preparing...
Preparing to be successful
Preparing to be a role model
Preparing to live up to my potential
But most of all I have been in preparation to deal with my post pubescent life as an adult, then one day here it is.
And all I have to say is 'So this is it?'

I knew adulthood wouldn't be all rainbows and sunshine but to describe it as underwhelming is an understatement in itself. I swear this isn't an entry where I just bitch and moan, but it's some shit that needs to be said. And to sum it all up (because this keyboard I'm using is ratchet as hell):
-EVERYTHING I've learned about decency and people up to this point is BS when it comes down the 'every man for himself' mentality people convey
-Friends can be a very valuable assets or detrimental tool in your life, not all of them are going to do everything right in every scenario....the most you can hope for is that most of them 'get it'
-Finally, Love is a battlefield Pat Benetar said it best...

Don't worry my future posts will be less dramatic...until then 'Keep Calm and Carry On'