I was having a discussion with a man that I have really grown to respect today and he shared something with me that really hit home with me. The man was my barber and he was talking to me about being genuine and giving of yourself without expecting anything in return. I was discussing with him a few of the hardships that I had been going through lately, you know with being a recent college graduate. One of the many things that we discussed was not being afraid to ask people to help you along your way for favors and the act of kindness.
The two were correlated in a major way as of late because these were some of the two issues that I have been battling myself about. I had always grown up trying to solve my own problems and make my own way without trying to 'mooch' off of others. The type of household I grew up in is a story that most can relate to now a days, with a single parent household and a absent/little to non participatory other parent who you can never seem to depend on. And from that parent you learn to never ask anybody for anything because in the end people will let you down.
On the flip side of that there are people who will loan you things or help you out only to expect something in return. Which devalues the very nature of what they were giving you in the first place, so you kind of just learn to do without and not really value too much of what others have to offer. A very lonely way to live but it's all that I know and have become accustomed to today.
Then something happened...
My barber offered me the slightest favor with the most genuine sincerity and it felt weird to accept. He gave me my haircut for free and refused to take my money. He went on to say "I see kids like you who are doing progressively positive things anyway I can help be a part of that would be an honor of mine, because if we can't help our own people out then won't ever get anywhere." Those words stuck with me for a few hours afterward because it had been such a long time since I had experienced such a genuine act of kindness that it came as a shock.
I grew to believe over the past couple of years that people had become so self indulged that no genuine actions existed anymore. And with one foul swoop that notion had went away and brightened my outlook on people. If that one person can impact a life in such a great way with one kind gesture why can't we all take time to give a damn to do someone genuinely happy by doing a favor and expecting nothing in return? I challenge everyone who reads this to make one selfless act a part of their day and see how much of an impact it has on others.
Until next time folks '...Keep calm and carry on'
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Sabotage
Here's the scenario: someone walks up to you and they look good but there's something about them that kinda turns you off. You can't quite put your finger on it but something's bugging you about them. Maybe they have kids? Do they have any debt? Maybe they're credit's messed up? Girlfriend/boyfriend on the side? Is he/she cheap? Are they gay?!?!?
Stop...
Are you this person? The one who goes through every possible scenario of a person trying to talk to you the moment they walk up to you? Do you try to find everything wrong with a person before they even say hello? Well don't worry, surprisingly you're not alone. I am in that club also where I play a relationship out in my head before it happens, and the only person I'm hurting is myself.
I find myself setting up such great expectations for a person to come into my life that I don't allow any margin for error in a potential mate. And that's just not fair to a potential date because they don't know that they already failed a test they didn't know they were taking. The problem is most of the time I have an ideal of what I want in a relationship. It would be the picture of a perfect romance and any deviation from that plan is an instant fail. So I look for things to be wrong with this person or find an excuse for me not to get too close to someone who may be different from what I'm looking for. All the while never considering this person may be what I NEED instead of what I WANT. And on top of that, I want them to love me just for who I am with no questions asked.What the hell am I thinking? And who's to say that it's even going to be that deep with this person? (Deep sigh...release) Sometimes you just got to learn to things 'be' sometimes and not set yourself up or the one that may be interested in you up for failure.
Maybe I just need to get out of my own head and stop being so overly analytical of everything. Do ya'll agree?
It seems as though, most of the time we want someone to love us with unconditional love but we give our love out with many conditions. I've come to realize you can't ask someone to love you for you if u put a limit on who you love. If you have expectations for who and what your looking for in a person and won't leave any 'wiggle room' that person to have an error you will forever be lonely. And if you're searching for someone with no flaws, you might as well build yourself a partner cuz it ain't happening.
All of this is to say, don't set parameters on the ones who may want to love you. They may not be everything that you're looking for but they might give you enough to where you can be happy.
Until next time folks '...Keep calm and carry on'
Stop...
Are you this person? The one who goes through every possible scenario of a person trying to talk to you the moment they walk up to you? Do you try to find everything wrong with a person before they even say hello? Well don't worry, surprisingly you're not alone. I am in that club also where I play a relationship out in my head before it happens, and the only person I'm hurting is myself.
I find myself setting up such great expectations for a person to come into my life that I don't allow any margin for error in a potential mate. And that's just not fair to a potential date because they don't know that they already failed a test they didn't know they were taking. The problem is most of the time I have an ideal of what I want in a relationship. It would be the picture of a perfect romance and any deviation from that plan is an instant fail. So I look for things to be wrong with this person or find an excuse for me not to get too close to someone who may be different from what I'm looking for. All the while never considering this person may be what I NEED instead of what I WANT. And on top of that, I want them to love me just for who I am with no questions asked.What the hell am I thinking? And who's to say that it's even going to be that deep with this person? (Deep sigh...release) Sometimes you just got to learn to things 'be' sometimes and not set yourself up or the one that may be interested in you up for failure.
Maybe I just need to get out of my own head and stop being so overly analytical of everything. Do ya'll agree?
It seems as though, most of the time we want someone to love us with unconditional love but we give our love out with many conditions. I've come to realize you can't ask someone to love you for you if u put a limit on who you love. If you have expectations for who and what your looking for in a person and won't leave any 'wiggle room' that person to have an error you will forever be lonely. And if you're searching for someone with no flaws, you might as well build yourself a partner cuz it ain't happening.
All of this is to say, don't set parameters on the ones who may want to love you. They may not be everything that you're looking for but they might give you enough to where you can be happy.
Until next time folks '...Keep calm and carry on'
Monday, September 20, 2010
Damned If I Do, Damned If I Don't
Is there ever a right time to ever tell someone something bad that you might know about a friend's relationship? Or is it best to leave the situation alone and let those two handle their own business?
On the one hand, there's a certain loyalty that you have to your friend and their welfare regardless of whatever situation may be and the circumstances that arise. For example, I was watching a report on ABC on when a friend caught their friend's boyfriend cheating on their friend, in a candid camera type of scenario. The question was raised on whether you would tell your friend or would you let them eventually figure it out on their own and I found myself in a quandary. Does it make you a bad person for not telling your friend that the infidelity is going on and you knew about it but didn't say anything about it?
A popular saying that I keep hearing about that particular situation is "stay out of grown folks business" and I tend to agree with that notion, but that's my friend. I'm not talking about an 'associate' but a true friend. Someone I would consider closest to me or that I even bother to care for their well being. In my opinion, my first instinct is to tell that person what I know. POINT BLANK PERIOD. But then I sit back and analyze the situation because I may not know the whole story and everything that may be going on in their relationship or even at thst table. Also, you can't assume that by telling this person what you know they are going to respond positively. They may just turn on you for saying it and jumping in their business.
On the flip side, let's just say you didn't say anything about the possible cheating scandal and your friend finds out that you may have known something. They get mad at you and accuse you of not being a real friend "because you should have told me". Does the person still have a valid argument? Can they really get mad at you for not intruding? It's all so tricky the rules to friendship...
Sigh...
The least I can say is that I think it all depends on the level of friendship that you have with the friend in question. If your bond with someone is strong enough to where you feel they need to know regardless of how they feel for you afterward (best friend, sibling, cousin etc.) then the best policy would be just to tell them what you saw and not make any accusations if you don't know the whole story. But If the same scenario happens with a friend where your bond is not that tight and it could compromise the friendship in the future, then it would probably be best not to tell them and let them handle it on their own.
Just make sure you know the difference between a 'friend' and an 'associate'....
Until next time folks '...Keep Calm and Carry On'
On the one hand, there's a certain loyalty that you have to your friend and their welfare regardless of whatever situation may be and the circumstances that arise. For example, I was watching a report on ABC on when a friend caught their friend's boyfriend cheating on their friend, in a candid camera type of scenario. The question was raised on whether you would tell your friend or would you let them eventually figure it out on their own and I found myself in a quandary. Does it make you a bad person for not telling your friend that the infidelity is going on and you knew about it but didn't say anything about it?
A popular saying that I keep hearing about that particular situation is "stay out of grown folks business" and I tend to agree with that notion, but that's my friend. I'm not talking about an 'associate' but a true friend. Someone I would consider closest to me or that I even bother to care for their well being. In my opinion, my first instinct is to tell that person what I know. POINT BLANK PERIOD. But then I sit back and analyze the situation because I may not know the whole story and everything that may be going on in their relationship or even at thst table. Also, you can't assume that by telling this person what you know they are going to respond positively. They may just turn on you for saying it and jumping in their business.
On the flip side, let's just say you didn't say anything about the possible cheating scandal and your friend finds out that you may have known something. They get mad at you and accuse you of not being a real friend "because you should have told me". Does the person still have a valid argument? Can they really get mad at you for not intruding? It's all so tricky the rules to friendship...
Sigh...
The least I can say is that I think it all depends on the level of friendship that you have with the friend in question. If your bond with someone is strong enough to where you feel they need to know regardless of how they feel for you afterward (best friend, sibling, cousin etc.) then the best policy would be just to tell them what you saw and not make any accusations if you don't know the whole story. But If the same scenario happens with a friend where your bond is not that tight and it could compromise the friendship in the future, then it would probably be best not to tell them and let them handle it on their own.
Just make sure you know the difference between a 'friend' and an 'associate'....
Until next time folks '...Keep Calm and Carry On'
Friday, September 17, 2010
Now Thats It's Over Where Do We Go From Here?
You know, I really wish there was a manual on how to deal with relationships and the aftermath of a failed one. It would make things so much easier, but unfortunately after all the love, passion, and shared moments are over there isn't a pamphlet to show you how to deal with it. Should I hate you afterward? Can we still be friends? Am I supposed to be sad? Was this for the best? And ultimately, what happens when I see you with the next date!!!
Post-relationship rules may actually be harder than being in the relationship. People have millions of theories on how they should act while in a relationship but not too much is said about the post break-up rules.
For example, me and one of the people I have dated before have the best relationship we have ever had now that we're not together. I really consider them one of my best friends even to this day, and we even have talks about their new relationship all the time and I can honestly say I can give an objective opinion about it with no malice. I love em with all of my heart but I'm honestly not in love with this person anymore. It even went so far as to me meeting that person's new 'friend' and we've been cordial to each other also. Some people look at me weird when I say this sometimes too. Was I supposed to be mad? Was I supposed to be bitter towards the new person because they have something I had before? Nope, and I refused to be that type of way also. I think we're all adults and can handle that type of relationship accordingly. Besides, the relationship that they have is for them the one that we had is for us.
I have friends who have told me, 'I would never be able to do that, it would hurt too much' or 'I would just die if I had that situation' and I can understand why. I think there is a feeling of what did this person do right that I didn't do to make this work going through that person's mind to make them feel insecure. An even better assumption is that their relationship didn't end on a good note and they're not quiet over it just yet. Which my friends is the key answer to this equation.
Is it safe to say that initially when you break up with someone that you truly are over it or will there always be some residual feelings there? Can you ever truly just be friends with an ex? Or is it best for you to just go your separate ways and never speak to each other again? Whatever your decision may be just have the strength and maturity to deal with whatever consequence that comes with it. I really wish I could give you an answer what would be the best solution would be, but like most of the answers in life they're specifically made for you. What works for me will most likely only work for me, but what I can say is just know that loving yourself means more than losing any one else. POW!!! There's your happy ending =)
Until next time folks '...Keep Calm and Carry On'
Post-relationship rules may actually be harder than being in the relationship. People have millions of theories on how they should act while in a relationship but not too much is said about the post break-up rules.
For example, me and one of the people I have dated before have the best relationship we have ever had now that we're not together. I really consider them one of my best friends even to this day, and we even have talks about their new relationship all the time and I can honestly say I can give an objective opinion about it with no malice. I love em with all of my heart but I'm honestly not in love with this person anymore. It even went so far as to me meeting that person's new 'friend' and we've been cordial to each other also. Some people look at me weird when I say this sometimes too. Was I supposed to be mad? Was I supposed to be bitter towards the new person because they have something I had before? Nope, and I refused to be that type of way also. I think we're all adults and can handle that type of relationship accordingly. Besides, the relationship that they have is for them the one that we had is for us.
I have friends who have told me, 'I would never be able to do that, it would hurt too much' or 'I would just die if I had that situation' and I can understand why. I think there is a feeling of what did this person do right that I didn't do to make this work going through that person's mind to make them feel insecure. An even better assumption is that their relationship didn't end on a good note and they're not quiet over it just yet. Which my friends is the key answer to this equation.
Is it safe to say that initially when you break up with someone that you truly are over it or will there always be some residual feelings there? Can you ever truly just be friends with an ex? Or is it best for you to just go your separate ways and never speak to each other again? Whatever your decision may be just have the strength and maturity to deal with whatever consequence that comes with it. I really wish I could give you an answer what would be the best solution would be, but like most of the answers in life they're specifically made for you. What works for me will most likely only work for me, but what I can say is just know that loving yourself means more than losing any one else. POW!!! There's your happy ending =)
Until next time folks '...Keep Calm and Carry On'
Thursday, September 16, 2010
When Keepin It Real Goes Wrong
While searching for a topic for today, I came to a blank to be honest. But then it hit me like a bag of boulders...what happens when you're really honest with someone. I like to believe that I am too honest with people about everything and that's why when I say things to people they think I'm crazy or just rude. How many times have you heard 'I would just appreciate it if this person was honest with me?' and when you are honest with them they get mad? I just don't get it, you asked me to be honest with you but when I tell you the truth you can't handle it.
I think the better way to phrase that sentence that everyone asks is 'I wish you would just tell the truth...as long as it's good news', and that my friends is where people get the game fucked up. You can't ask someone to be completely honest with you if you can't handle the WHOLE truth. If you had the nerve to ask your boyfriend/girlfriend if they were cheating on you, you should be prepared for whatever answer they may give you. If you ask your boss how your performance was today and they tell you it was piss poor don't get mad at them because YOU ASKED!!
I live by the law of 'If you ask me a question or for my opinion be prepared for the real answer every time'; it's the only way to live IMO. The world would function so much better if people lived by this too, but unfortunately the world doesn't operate in this manner. Douches....I kid I kid =) There are certain scenario's where 'massaging the truth' helps you in certain instances but more times often than not being straight up with someone is usually the best route to take. Besides people who only need 'yes men' and to live in a Disney world where everyone thinks everything you do is great or you're never wrong are delusional and will have a downfall very shortly. I guess it is true what they say, honesty really is the best policy.
Until next time folks '...Keep Calm and Carry On'
I think the better way to phrase that sentence that everyone asks is 'I wish you would just tell the truth...as long as it's good news', and that my friends is where people get the game fucked up. You can't ask someone to be completely honest with you if you can't handle the WHOLE truth. If you had the nerve to ask your boyfriend/girlfriend if they were cheating on you, you should be prepared for whatever answer they may give you. If you ask your boss how your performance was today and they tell you it was piss poor don't get mad at them because YOU ASKED!!
I live by the law of 'If you ask me a question or for my opinion be prepared for the real answer every time'; it's the only way to live IMO. The world would function so much better if people lived by this too, but unfortunately the world doesn't operate in this manner. Douches....I kid I kid =) There are certain scenario's where 'massaging the truth' helps you in certain instances but more times often than not being straight up with someone is usually the best route to take. Besides people who only need 'yes men' and to live in a Disney world where everyone thinks everything you do is great or you're never wrong are delusional and will have a downfall very shortly. I guess it is true what they say, honesty really is the best policy.
Until next time folks '...Keep Calm and Carry On'
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Team Darkskin vs Team Lightskin
Is this 2010? Because the color complex that most people have in this day and age makes me believe we are still in the civil rights era. Matter of fact I think its even worse than then because we have 'come so far in race relations' that it shouldn't matter right?
Wrong...
The color complex that black people have in America is frightening because its coming from our own people!! The same people that we fought with for rights to be equal. The same people whose ancestors were being raped and pillaged. The same people who at the end of the day still can't get a loan because regardless of how many times you pass the paper bag test will never come out of the 'high risk factor' category.
So why are we continually segregating ourselves even further in society by demeaning the color of our skin. Who's to say that being dark skinned is ugly? Who's to say that being light skinned means you're cute? Trust me there are people who I have met who are the contrary in both cases. Besides if you're ugly your just ugly, and if you're cute there's no denying your cuteness.
The purpose of this post isn't to bring anybody down or elevate any one 'team' over the other. The point is to open up your minds to the beauty in all complexions and bring to light the game that is being played on you while your fighting for your respective 'team'. There is nothing that irritates me more than when someone says 'you're cute for a dark skinned boy/girl' or 'I don't have to worry about anything I'm light skinned'. What kind of tomfoolery is that? The last time I checked we're all running this rat race in life together, nothing makes you exempt. Even if you get a 'pass' for being safe and light skinned you will be brought back to reality when shit hits the fan because at the end of the day you are still black in America.
That's the point most people seem to forget is that no matter the hue of your skin, you are still black in America. Because of that we are always being plotted against and conditioned to keep ourselves in-fighting so we can never achieve our potential greatness. White people and other races don't have to do anything to keep us down because we do it for them. We do it by killing each other, we do it by not supporting one another, and we do it by perpetuating and maintaining ignorant stereotypes and beliefs of superiority amongst one another in the community.
I feel like I'm getting too preachy so I'll just end with this, you can be team dark skinned or team light skinned all you want I'm not here to tell you how to live. But the reflection of your character and the strength of our people carries more power than any pigment of skin...recognize that power
Team Unity
Until next time folks '...Keep Calm and Carry On'.
Wrong...
The color complex that black people have in America is frightening because its coming from our own people!! The same people that we fought with for rights to be equal. The same people whose ancestors were being raped and pillaged. The same people who at the end of the day still can't get a loan because regardless of how many times you pass the paper bag test will never come out of the 'high risk factor' category.
So why are we continually segregating ourselves even further in society by demeaning the color of our skin. Who's to say that being dark skinned is ugly? Who's to say that being light skinned means you're cute? Trust me there are people who I have met who are the contrary in both cases. Besides if you're ugly your just ugly, and if you're cute there's no denying your cuteness.
The purpose of this post isn't to bring anybody down or elevate any one 'team' over the other. The point is to open up your minds to the beauty in all complexions and bring to light the game that is being played on you while your fighting for your respective 'team'. There is nothing that irritates me more than when someone says 'you're cute for a dark skinned boy/girl' or 'I don't have to worry about anything I'm light skinned'. What kind of tomfoolery is that? The last time I checked we're all running this rat race in life together, nothing makes you exempt. Even if you get a 'pass' for being safe and light skinned you will be brought back to reality when shit hits the fan because at the end of the day you are still black in America.
That's the point most people seem to forget is that no matter the hue of your skin, you are still black in America. Because of that we are always being plotted against and conditioned to keep ourselves in-fighting so we can never achieve our potential greatness. White people and other races don't have to do anything to keep us down because we do it for them. We do it by killing each other, we do it by not supporting one another, and we do it by perpetuating and maintaining ignorant stereotypes and beliefs of superiority amongst one another in the community.
I feel like I'm getting too preachy so I'll just end with this, you can be team dark skinned or team light skinned all you want I'm not here to tell you how to live. But the reflection of your character and the strength of our people carries more power than any pigment of skin...recognize that power
Team Unity
Until next time folks '...Keep Calm and Carry On'.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
...But They're Cute Though!!!
Raise your hand if you have ever said that looks don't matter or play a factor into who you pick as a potential mate? All of you that raised your hands...you're lying. You're lying to yourself and your lying about your expectations. Point, blank, period. Even in the most un-shallow circumstances the way the person looks or dresses plays a factor into how much we are attracted to them. I have heard stories from friends and even by my own accords of people who have made being cute or looking cute together a priority for the foundation of their relationship. Shaky foundation to start it on but hey read my subtext (this is me...stripped lol).
Currently, me and a group of my friends have a grading scale (HEY YA'LL!!! had to get ghetto for a second) and it deems how much and how far we would go with a person based on their overall look and potential, which goes as follows:
1- 'I wouldn't touch you with a 10 ft pole'
2- 'Maybe on a 'drunk night'
3- 'Yeah I'd do you'
4- 'I need to date you...like NOW'
5- 'WHATEVER you got I caught/Can I live with this disease?'
Graphic but true...I always envision a '5' being the Halle Berry/Stacey Dash types for the guys (or girls) or a Boris Kodjoe/Idris Elba type for the girls (or guys...how you doin'?) The only song I can hear going through my head while looking at a '5' is Mya 'Why You Gotta Look So Good?' But I digress....
As I really sat down and thought about this grading scale we have incorporated into our everyday lives, it got me to thinking about the emphasis on looks we put on others when searching for a relationship. In my opinion, it plays a major factor on how you are initially attracted to a person but shouldn't be the foundation of what your relationship is all about. The cuteness factor and sex are such shallow things to base a relationship off of but we often do it to fulfill our fantasy of what the perfect partner might be. Oftentimes, when we look for that particular '5' we end up sacrificing much of what we believe or truly want to be with that person who 'looks too good to pass up'.
I have had friends literally say 'I don't usually do this but did you see him/her? she/he is bad!!!' And as much as I hate to admit it, I have done it too. Trying to make things work when I know they weren't meant to be but they looked so good I had to make it happen because 'we look so good together'.
In my defense I (kind of) grew out of that, I still have my moments but I learned a valuable lesson while in pursuit of that '5'. I learned that shaky foundations built on shallow grounds will always crumble. Also, loving yourself has to mean more than losing that person because all you have is you at the end of the day. And last but not least, being cute needs to be a plus not a priority. So in the mean time, I think i'll be happy with a nice '3' or '4' that treats me well and makes me happy.
Until next time folks '....Keep Calm and Carry On'
Currently, me and a group of my friends have a grading scale (HEY YA'LL!!! had to get ghetto for a second) and it deems how much and how far we would go with a person based on their overall look and potential, which goes as follows:
1- 'I wouldn't touch you with a 10 ft pole'
2- 'Maybe on a 'drunk night'
3- 'Yeah I'd do you'
4- 'I need to date you...like NOW'
5- 'WHATEVER you got I caught/Can I live with this disease?'
Graphic but true...I always envision a '5' being the Halle Berry/Stacey Dash types for the guys (or girls) or a Boris Kodjoe/Idris Elba type for the girls (or guys...how you doin'?) The only song I can hear going through my head while looking at a '5' is Mya 'Why You Gotta Look So Good?' But I digress....
As I really sat down and thought about this grading scale we have incorporated into our everyday lives, it got me to thinking about the emphasis on looks we put on others when searching for a relationship. In my opinion, it plays a major factor on how you are initially attracted to a person but shouldn't be the foundation of what your relationship is all about. The cuteness factor and sex are such shallow things to base a relationship off of but we often do it to fulfill our fantasy of what the perfect partner might be. Oftentimes, when we look for that particular '5' we end up sacrificing much of what we believe or truly want to be with that person who 'looks too good to pass up'.
I have had friends literally say 'I don't usually do this but did you see him/her? she/he is bad!!!' And as much as I hate to admit it, I have done it too. Trying to make things work when I know they weren't meant to be but they looked so good I had to make it happen because 'we look so good together'.
In my defense I (kind of) grew out of that, I still have my moments but I learned a valuable lesson while in pursuit of that '5'. I learned that shaky foundations built on shallow grounds will always crumble. Also, loving yourself has to mean more than losing that person because all you have is you at the end of the day. And last but not least, being cute needs to be a plus not a priority. So in the mean time, I think i'll be happy with a nice '3' or '4' that treats me well and makes me happy.
Until next time folks '....Keep Calm and Carry On'
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